Are We Living In a Fantasy World?
Posted: Saturday, January 03, 2009
by Cheryl Dusty
Cherokee Angel
Are we living in a fantasy world?
A client called me today that I have worked with for some time. She told me about a man that she had been seeing for approximately three weeks in November. He had broken it off with her, saying he wished that she had just listened to him.
Now, at the beginning of the New Year, he said that he had some of her things and wanted to return them to her. Her question to me was "is he coming back?" She said that she just knew "he was the one" and really did love him. This after three weeks of dating and obviously being intimate?
So, do you think she had "gotten the lesson"? I don't think so. She still wanted what she wanted regardless of the information and facts right in front of her face. Why do we choose to remain in pain?
We do choose it, you know. Every time we ignore the reality of a situation in exchange for the fantasy of what we want it to be, we are choosing to stay in pain.
Let's take a simple example. Let's say that you have a brand new Corvette that just screams speed. You love to drive fast, regardless of the situation. After all, you're a good driver, aren't you? You're always looking ahead, playing the odds, and it's so exhilarating!
But the reality of the situation may be quite different than the "reality" (fantasy) that you see. If it's raining, the average car will hydroplane by 50 M.P.H. If you are driving on snow, it may be more than snow you are trying to navigate: it may be the hidden ice beneath. If you crave sweets, know that you only eat some of them each day, but still are overweight, you are ignoring the fact of the heavy calorie load in a small portion of a high sugar food.
The important question to ask yourself, when struggling with a love relationship is are you looking at the reality of the situation or looking at the fantasy (what you want it to be)?
I have listened to many, many clients tell a horrific story of relationships that are abusive, addictive, and more. When I ask them why they stay in the relationship, the answer is often "but I love him".
The single most destructive word we use that affects how we feel about ourselves or the ultimate outcome of a relationship is the word "but". If you find yourself using the "but" word, you know that you're in trouble and not looking at the reality of the situation.
The extension of that word is "yes but". "Yes but" says that I have tuned out whatever you say or the point you are making and that basically my mind is already made up. Right or wrong has no bearing on whatever follows "yes but". You already tuned out and turned off. You are off in your own world of fantasy thought. You are engaging in a self defeating behavior. And when you engage in self defeating behavior, you are doomed to repeat the behavior, and therefore repeat the mistakes.
I had a tenant in one of my rental units that I had to evict because of damage to my property, and behavior that was in no way acceptable. This behavior was disturbing to my family as well as to the other tenant living on the property. This tenant had lost her job, claimed that she did not have enough gas to go out and look for a job, but could still buy cigarettes and buy fast food to feed a teen aged son. She was presented with an option offered in our area by the Salvation Army that would provide she and her son with living quarters for six months, feed them, and provide her a job while she received training for future jobs. The only requirements were that she be up out of her bed by 7:00 A.M., get her son off to school and if he had problems in school they would provide tutoring for him by the way, and be back in the residence by 8:30 P.M. Her response? "Yes but the rules are too stringent".
This woman was not living in reality. She had lost her job because she had missed too many days at her new job with a major home improvement store. She claimed that this had happened after she missed work to be with her mother for her mom's surgery. Of course, she failed to take responsibility for missing days of work after she had been out very late the night before. She also failed to take responsibility for her son missing 11 out of 21 days of school because he could not "wake up" in time to catch the school bus, even though she was home to wake him up. All of this was after she had quit a job without notice, although she had benefits including health insurance and was advised, after I had taken her to the emergency room in the middle of the night, that she needed an obstetrical surgery very quickly. She set herself up for failure by taking another good job, but one that would not provide her with insurance for 90 days. In the meantime, she put her life at risk and her son's stability at risk by potentially losing his mother.
If we keep repeating the same actions over and over again, we get the same results, whether good or bad. You must change the initial action to get a new or different reaction. That is a basic law of physics, and applies to our everyday lives as well. There is an old but very true saying: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over thinking it will turn out differently.
So why do we do it? Because we are kidding ourselves when we focus on whatever outcome we desire. We honestly don't consciously do things to cause ourselves pain, but when we look outside ourselves for something to make us feel complete, we are not actually dealing with the reality of a situation. In those situations, we are letting our subconscious affect and color our perceptions. We basically operate on "automatic pilot" governed by our subconscious minds.
Our subconscious minds are what create automatic responses such as being startled when someone comes up behind us and scares us. They also create behaviors that have been developed throughout our lives by the things that we have been exposed to. These behaviors can include such things as being codependent or emotionally unavailable, expecting the worse, fearing failure to even success.
So how do we look at the reality of the situation? We can begin by not just listening to the words that are said to us, but by looking at the actions. Actions do not lie. If someone tells you that they love you but treats you with a lack of respect, that person does not love you.
In the first client's case, she did not listen to what the man said to her. He tried to tell her that he had been hurt in a relationship, but had taken time to heal and was actually "friends" with his ex. However, his actions did not match the words. He kept my client "in the shadows" to keep from upsetting the ex. He was either trying to keep the ex on the string, he was not over the ex, or he was living in the fantasy that he and the ex could possibly get back together at a future time. Heck, for my client, it was almost like dating a married man!
My client, on the other hand, was living on the fantasy theme that she loved this man, and because they had been intimate, he also loved her. Men and women do not think of sex in the same way. Men, as a general rule, are able to compartmentalize sex. If it feels good and they enjoy the person they are with, that's enough in many cases. It does not necessarily equate to love. Most women, as a general rule, cannot have sex without some type of emotional response. Many women also believe that if they have sex with a man, even though he may tell them that he is not looking for a relationship, it will lead to a relationship. Please know that there are exceptions to every rule.
However, if you are relating your story or situation to someone who is in a healthy relationship, or to a professional counselor, and they offer you a different scenario and you're response is "yes but", then you are not looking at the facts. You are merely having an emotionally defensive reaction.
Just remember: actions speak louder than words! Do you want more of the same? Do you want to live on a "might be someday" or do you want to be free to find happiness? The choice is yours. Live it well!
Dr. Cheryl Dusty
http://www.CherokeeAngel.com
http://www.SurvivalWater.info
http://www.Wedding-Saver.com
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